(Warning: There are a couple explicit words)
This summer has been pretty eventful. I’ve been on one fun roller coaster of emotions and it has changed my usual routine. As someone who’s usually super organized and disciplined with life, tasks, and assignments for school and work, I have been pretty distracted lately. I try not to overthink it and to get back into the habit of being more organized with my life, but it's just been so hard to get back on track when, for the past few months, I've been living my life like I don’t care.
It’s difficult to get back on track while focusing so much on my healing journey. I get so caught up in my emotions and in my head, and I constantly tell myself that it’s okay to feel and process these emotions because that’s what I have to do in order to feel at peace. However, there are some days where I start feeling a way that I don’t quite understand, and it distracts me from prioritizing what is really important. Recently, I started procrastinating on certain things, and I know that that’s out-of-character for me. I feel like I have been so unmotivated and lazy with everything, but I just know that to get out of this habit.
When My Life Was Organized…
I have always been the type of person who is extremely organized with everything. I have always updated my calendar every day. I had plans already written in my planner, even if it was months away. I had every assignment, errand, and goal written down on a calendar, on my phone, laptop, and agenda. Being organized with everything has kept me mainly stress-free. I think the reason why I’ve been this way is because my parents had raised me to always have a plan B, C, D, E, etc. They have always taught me to be responsible in life by sharing their hard experiences while they were growing up. In fact, I remember them telling me that it’s better to learn how to be responsible while I’m younger, so that when I’m older I know how to handle more challenging duties. I think this is a great characteristic to have, but looking back I’ve realized that I had matured at a very young age. My parents had always relied on me to handle most things at home, like taking care of my younger brother while they were working, or cleaning up the house while focusing on school.
Looking back, I had always been organized with school and family. I was disciplined so well that people would trust me to handle responsibilities that I shouldn’t be doing at a young age. I remember knowing what type of career I wanted when I was younger and I had even planned out a path to succeed. I remember feeling drained at 10 years old and crying every night because of the heavy weight of expectations from my parents and the Filipino culture. I shouldn’t have been doing these types of things. I should’ve been enjoying my youth and not having to worry about my future. I shouldn’t have been worrying about satisfying my family's expectations and emotions.
Present Day
As I grew up, I became so lost trying to control everything and I lost that characteristic of being organized. A dark cloud has started forming on top of my head and it has made me feel so exhausted and depressed. I have days where I try to give myself a break and relax, but I always feel like shit about it. The voice in my head tells me, “Stop being so lazy. You need to be productive.” I think the reason why I’ve gained this habit of talking down on myself is because my parents told me the exact same thing when I was trying to hang out with my friends or be a kid. They would make me feel bad by comparing me to other kids or telling me that I was lazy or I should be reading books instead of wasting my time with friends. It’s so tiring to always be on the go, and I guess I was over-organized that I had completely forgotten to take care of myself. I was so distracted in trying to plan out my future that I had forgotten to live in the present.
I’m not getting any younger and I know that, but I have to tell myself that I’m only 22 and that I should be enjoying myself with friends and family. I had completely broken down after years of holding the weight of my parent’s expectations, trying to be the perfect girl, trying to plan out a successful future, and after my break up. I had given up and I let myself fall apart because the exhaustion had consumed me mentally and emotionally.
As I’m slowly trying to find and patch myself together, I’ve realized what my true priorities are. While it's good to make plans for the future, I have to be more realistic. Plans change. Our futures are constantly changing. I’m constantly reminding myself that my priority is to be human. Make memories. Accomplish goals. Find and feel happiness. So I changed my mindset on self-discipline. Throughout my healing journey, my main focus is to get my shit together and get back on track by journaling, working out, and treating myself better by decreasing self-sabotage.
How I Heal Through My Version of Self-Discipline
I’m usually the type of person who will be there for others when they’re going through it, but I’m a human with feelings and struggles too. While I have a couple of people to go to when I’m going through something, I always feel bad for releasing my burden on them. Going through this healing stage as an independent woman is hard as fuck because healing is not something you just get. You have to work for it by taking your time and having patience for yourself. One thing that I’ve learned is that if you want to be healed from trauma and to stop feeling certain emotions, you have to actually WANT it, like if somebody wants to buy a house because they WANT a home for their family to live in.
Here are a few things that I do to stay on track on my healing journey:
Journaling: This has helped me so much with my head and heart. I get to write down all the emotions I felt throughout the week. I get to reflect on my actions and decisions. It’s like ranting to something that won’t judge or criticize you and I’m that type of girl that takes words to heart sometimes, especially when it comes from someone I care about. Sometimes, I like to write certain tasks that I need to complete for the next day, which helps me keep track of what I need to be doing.
Staying active: If I could compare the mindset of when I wasn’t working out and now, I would say that I’ve made a lot of progress in how I think of myself. People will ask me, “How does staying active help your mental health?” It’s not something that I can explain well, but it's something you need to feel. When I’m stressed out, going to the gym and just being able to focus on my workout is definitely a great distraction from everything going on in my life. I’ve also noticed how confident I’ve become and how much praise I give myself. One of my friends had told me, “Once you see the results, you’ll become addicted to the gym.” I have to say that I 100% agree with that.
Reset days: I’ve recently started this routine that I do every Sunday morning. I just do a whole mental, emotional, and physical reset by cleaning my room, writing my weekly gratitude in my journal, meditating, avoiding my phone, reading, and making myself a well-deserved breakfast.
I know that it’s still important to be disciplined enough to finish certain tasks and goals, but I think it’s also very important to be disciplined in taking care of yourself. I feel like so many people are so worried about things we can’t control and constantly run in stress mode, but one thing I’ve learned is that we have a long life, those goals will always be there, and there will always be new ones in the future. I want to live a life where I don’t regret anything and just to live in the present as much as I can. If I had a regret in my life, it would be that I didn’t take care of myself sooner.
About the Author
Jaelyn Delos Reyes is a social media marketing assistant intern at the Love Yourself Foundation and is a senior at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). She enjoys reading, cafe hopping, and going to the gym. Her favorite activities are binge-watching Gilmore Girls and going out with friends. Her goal after graduating is to work for a company as an advertiser/marketer and work at a TV station as a news reporter.
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