“Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings.” As February draws to a close, we’ve made it through another Valentine’s Day. For some, it was a victory over picking the perfect bouquet, finding the right restaurant, and choosing the ideal box of chocolates. For others, their day may have been spent on social media, looking at posts of love from afar. Regardless of your relationship status, Valentine’s Day offers time to reflect on all the different kinds of love.
Taking this moment to look back on love, I challenge you to find ways in which you can grow. So often in life, people become complacent with where they are. As author Ernest Hemmingway wrote, “True nobility is being superior to your former self.” Using LYF’s principles of self-growth and self-love, we’ll explore how reflecting on your experiences can help you thrive in the realm of love. Whether you dive into both segments or focus on one, enjoy the journey.
Singles:
To our single readers, welcome. With the holidays, it becomes easy to feel out of place – alone. Much as Christmas is known to bring out some negative emotions, Valentine’s Day is no different. As you saw the pink and red decorate the shelves, how did it make you feel? If you felt weird, you weren’t alone. The Valentine’s Blues affect more people than you would think. In “3 Reasons Why ‘Valentine’s Day Blues’ Are Real,” Mark Travers highlights the commodification of love, social comparison, and increased levels of loneliness as indicators that the blues exist. If you felt one or all three of those indicators, you may have had a case of the blues. However, the hard part is already over. The 14th is behind us now.
Now is the perfect time for seeking growth. While you’re on the journey towards your next relationship, why not take a moment to reflect and become a better version of yourself? In order to do that, you must ask yourself some questions. Questions that give you a deeper understanding of yourself, like, “Who am I?” and “How do I like to be loved?” Aside from being a fun icebreaker, the 5 Love Languages Quiz provides people with the ability to understand the different ways that people express love.
Quality Time: Spending uninterrupted time with your loved one.
Examples: late-night talks, running errands together, reading books together, etc.
Physical Touch: Preferring to physically touch your loved one.
Examples: hugging, hand holding, kissing.
Words of Affirmation: Verbalizing your love for your loved one.
Examples: “I love you.” “I appreciate everything you do for me.” “I am proud to be your partner.” If you resonate with words of affirmation, give this blog a read!
Acts of Service: Performing tasks for your loved one.
Examples: Preparing food, fixing car, aiding with homework.
Receiving / Giving Gifts: Gifting items to your loved one.
Examples: small tokens, handmade gifts, a care package, etc.
Something unique about love languages is that you can have multiple! For the longest time, my only love language was quality time. Now, it’s a combination of quality time and words of affirmation. Family, culture, and even your childhood can influence how you choose to love. From where you are in life to who you’re with, prepare for your love language(s) to evolve.
How about we take this reflection a step further? As we dive into our next segment, it’s time to see where we shine and where we can improve. Working on self-awareness and finding your strengths and weaknesses can help in goal setting for your next relationship.
Some things to ask:
What are your strengths? This can include communication skills, being extroverted, sense of humor, etc.
What are your weaknesses or red flags? This can include self-isolating, trust issues, being a bad texter, etc.
What’s your attachment style?
To those unfamiliar, “Attachment styles reflect how you behave in a romantic relationship and are based on the emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver – often your mother.” Though we won't explore infantile connections, we will talk about the different types of attachment styles:
Anxious attachment style: “Tend to be overly needy. As the labels suggest, people with this attachment style are often anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem.”
Avoidant-dismissive attachment style: “Instead of craving intimacy, they’re so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They’d rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.”
Secure attachment style: “You likely feel secure enough to take responsibility for your own mistakes and feelings… you’re able to be yourself in an intimate relationship.”
Disorganized attachment style: “If you have a disorganized attachment style, you’ve likely never learned to self-soothe your emotions, so both relationships and the world around you can feel frightening and unsafe.”
With all of this in mind, you are now able to understand some of the ways that relationships can be influenced. When you enter a relationship, you have to understand that you are getting to meet a new person with a unique set of experiences. Which attachment style do you resonate with? Though there isn’t a set way to work on it, being aware of your attachment style can help resolve any relationship troubles you may come across. Acknowledging who you are is the first step in this self-growth journey.
Couples:
Though single people may argue otherwise, it’s harder to maintain a healthy relationship than it is to obtain one. Increased divorce and stagnant marriage rates could prove this.
For those in a relationship, it's infatuating. It’s difficult not to think about your significant other.
The highlight of your day? They can't wait to hear it.
Holidays? What are you going to get them?
As good as it feels to think about them, remember to think about yourself. Following Valentine’s festivities, use this time annually to reflect on the status of your relationship.
Are you in a relationship because you want to be? Or because you don’t want to be alone?
Are you in love with your significant other, or what they provide you?
Am I growing in this relationship?
Whether you’ve already had these conversations with your significant other or are in the process of having them, fostering growth within the relationship is crucial. One effective way to do this is through goal setting, together.
Goal setting is important to keeping a relationship healthy. Positive Psychology’s “The Science of Psychology of Goal-Setting 101” finds that goal setting can lead to higher self-esteem, confidence, and autonomy. Having higher levels of confidence and esteem can lead to a decrease in issues within the relationship.
Though each relationship is one of its own, the insecurities within them are not. Edward P. Lemay Jr. and Margaret S. Clark’s study, “Walking on Eggshells,” found that insecurities within a relationship can affect the strength of it. Inarguably, most couples will have their own set of challenges to overcome. How to overcome this? Reflecting, communicating, and goal setting.
“A person who is focused and goal-oriented is likely to have a more positive approach towards life and perceive failures as temporary setbacks, rather than personal shortcomings.” Connecting that to your current relationship, having these conversations can help create a positive atmosphere for growth to occur. The goals can vary, so long as they foster positivity.
Having worked with relationships that were struggling, Dr. Abby Medcalf published her podcast Relationships Made Easy, where she talks about the six most common mistakes that hinder relationship goals.
Making Relationship Goals Together: This can lead to a sense of control in the relationship. Though you can communicate your goals effectively, each party needs to work on themselves at the individual level.
Not Committing First: You need to be all in. You can’t be skeptical of the goal setting process or it won’t work.
Depending on Your Partner to Achieve the Goal: When in a relationship, you need to understand that you are your own person. You cannot expect for your partner to work on a goal that is meant to help you grow.
Stating the Goal in the Negative: The goals have to evoke a sense of positivity. If stated in a negative tone, there will be a negative association that will linger.
Don’t Have a “Why”: Again, this ties into the concept of reflecting. It’s common for people to blatantly state goals. Yes, we want to achieve something, but have you asked yourself why?
Not Scheduling: Similar to the why, individuals should ensure they are taking or “scheduling” whatever is required to achieve the goals.
To the coupled bunch, rejoice in everything love has to offer. Though it’s a beautiful journey, don't forget to pause, breathe, and reflect. The rose-colored glasses are alluring, but don’t let that stop your self-growth journey. To achieve the stability and longevity of a good relationship, keep the desire for growth alive.
Love is a path that is unlike any other. Some will find it easily, while others will have to work on themselves first. In case you haven’t figured it out, a key component to fostering a healthy relationship is the aspiration for growth. Whether that be on the individual level or with your significant other, take a moment to reflect and set goals. Love isn’t just finding your other half, it's about becoming the best version of yourself. Here’s to your next journey.
About the Author
Born and raised in Las Vegas, Alan Perez is joining the LYF team for the Spring 2025 term. A transfer student from the College of Southern Nevada (CSN), Alan is now pursuing a BA in Journalism at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV), with a focus in public relations and advertising. Alan is excited to contribute his skills as a content writer and editor for LYF.
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