(Warning: There are a few explicit words and a brief mention about sex)
Most people always make a New Year’s resolution at the beginning of the year. They create new goals they want to achieve, or break old habits and create better ones. I even made a New Year’s resolution, but I feel like the first half of my year is not what I wanted. There are some goals that I’ve already started working on and have seen positive results, but I’ve been through a lot of personal things and it has taken a toll on my mental health. Every day I sit and wonder, “Why is the universe putting me through this?” or “How come I feel like shit?”
What makes it harder is that I have this mindset where I feel like I have no one to talk to. Although I have friends and family willing to listen to me rant, I still feel alone. Over time, I’ve realized that being alone is good for me because in order to love myself, I have to be comfortable in my own skin and presence.
I definitely had to prepare myself emotionally because I don’t think I have ever opened up like this and written a blog about it. Some tears were shed after admitting all the emotions and pain I was suppressing inside of me. I admit it feels good to let it out.
Earlier This Year
The first couple of months of 2024 were going well. I thought that I was getting through my healing journey pretty well. I was creating new and quick connections with some of my current friends and I was balancing life and school. I thought everything was going well until I hit rock bottom.
My ex and I broke up shortly after those months. We were together for almost seven years and he was my best friend. We met in high school and grew up together. I got close to his family and friends. I thought he was the one until our relationship ended. Everyone goes through different phases after a breakup, and I entered this phase where I was glowing but attracting the wrong people by entering the “streets.”
Here I was, thinking, “This is fun! I’m exploring my options. I’m young and living my life!” I’m going to the gym and hanging out with friends, but now I feel like complete shit. During this phase, I was sleeping around with men who I thought I had a connection with and who only wanted sex. I lost my morals and self-values, and it shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize that this isn’t me. I didn’t see the negative consequences that I had put myself and others through, and I feel regretful for it. I’ve made a couple of my friends feel uncomfortable about it. I’ve entered this depressing part of my life.
I’ve always taken care of others and worried about their feelings, but here I am pushing myself aside because I was so distracted with being someone that wasn’t me. I cried most nights, and all the emotions I’ve kept inside have exploded. All these feelings led back to one source—my breakup.
To summarize what happened, he cheated on me and confessed almost a year later. Instead of breaking it off then, I decided to stay with him for another couple of years. I think that was the moment I had lost myself. I chose him instead of me. I chose to prioritize our relationship instead of my own mental health. I had completely shut myself out. I was so focused on being the perfect girl for him so that he wouldn’t cheat on me again. I had gained weight and insecurities, and I lost touch with my spiritual side. Over time, I became emotionally checked out, and I was just so drained trying to fulfill his emotions that I lost my spark for him.
He was all I had known. we are never going to be the same. We met at a young age and now we’ve grown into two different adults who need to explore our independence and find ourselves without each other. Our relationship with each other has definitely changed. We went from talking every single day to not even speaking at all. He is no longer my best friend, and I was roaming in the dark, gloomy road, looking for people to replace this hole in my heart and soul that he created. Although I was the one who ended the relationship, I still feel all of the pain and sorrow.
I don’t think I was hurt that he cheated. It was the fact that I had spent so many years of my life with him, yet he chose to betray me. Worst of all, I had betrayed myself by trying to work on something that was already broken. I walked around, hoping people would notice me. I hoped people would notice that I’m not always confident and all smiles.
The Dark Deep Hole
Here I am relying on people who I thought I was close to. I’ve realized who my fake friends were. I feel so disgusted in my own skin, and I’ve developed this terrible habit of self-sabotage. I let other people’s hurtful words get to me, and it made me believe that’s who I am.
Now it’s July, and I’ve entered this type of spiritual awakening. I’m still rock bottom, and I’ve used all my energy trying to get out of this dark hole, but I just keep getting dragged deeper and deeper. So, I allowed myself to feel these feelings that I’ve avoided for so long. I allowed myself to cry and listen to sad music. I allowed myself to feel alone and to feel the heartbreak because I’ve realized that’s what I have to go through for me to feel better.
It’s hard, I admit. To be young and 22, trying to figure out my fucking life while balancing college, work, and friends and family. I feel like I’m running out of time, and I feel like I’m behind everyone else. So I do things to help me have a clear mind, such as journaling, reading books about healing and life, and spending quality time by myself. I think it’s working because it always makes me feel better.
The Healing Stage
It’s only been a few days, but I’ve definitely entered a state of clarity. The dark clouds above my head are starting to clear up, and I’m brainstorming this plan to get out of this stupid hole. I’ve become aware of my surroundings and opened my eyes to the signs that the universe has been giving me.
This month is about appreciation, and I’ve started a list of things that I’m grateful for. All these negative things that I said earlier to myself had changed to different statements.
“I am going through these obstacles in order for me to be stronger.”
“I am going through this pain because I am human.”
“I allow myself to feel because my emotions are as powerful as my mind.”
A few things that I plan to do as I continue in my healing journey is to get back into my old hobbies that make me feel grounded. Currently, I’m reading the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I’m halfway through, but I’ve learned a lot about how powerful our words can be and how they can affect people’s belief systems.
I want to play my piano more and maybe even start writing my songs. I want to start being closer to my spiritual side again by meditating, learning about the chakras, and improving my skills in tarot/oracle readings. I want to start getting closer to nature again by stepping away from the city and going on random hiking adventures.
I started going out more with friends and started doing a lot of self-care activities like getting my lashes and nails done.
I am slowly appreciating myself for how emotionally strong I can be. Now, I’ve chosen to protect my own energy and head space. I’ve realized I am destined to be going through these obstacles so that I can become who I am today. Everything that I've been through since childhood till today, I appreciate it. Looking back at who I was then compared to me now, I’m so proud of the person I have become.
Learning how to appreciate myself is going to be hard because I’ve developed this terrible habit of self-sabotage. It’s going to take time and patience, but I have to trust the process. So here I am, accepting new changes and entering a new chapter in my life. Most of all, I’m sending light and love to the people who are no longer in my life.
About the Author
Jaelyn Delos Reyes is a social media marketing assistant intern at the Love Yourself Foundation and is a third-year student at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). She enjoys reading, cafe hopping, and going to the gym. Her favorite activities are binge-watching Gilmore Girls and going out with friends. Her goal after graduating is to work for a company as an advertiser/marketer and work at a TV station as a news reporter.
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