People commonly associate the month of February with the special holiday of Valentine’s Day. This usually means endearing that special friend, family member, or significant other. While it’s paramount to show love and gratitude to those around you, showing that same endearment for yourself is equally important. It’s a type of love that may go missed during the Valentine’s season.
Having self-endearment requires a lot to master. Perhaps even more difficult is knowing the line between self-criticism and self-endearment. As the old saying goes, we are our own worst critic. It’s only natural that this line can be blurred. While both have their uses, I’ve come to find that it’s key to not stray too far from a balance of the two. That being said, this balance cannot be achieved without first understanding what each entails.
Self-Endearment
As you may have read from our previous blog, endearment is defined as the act of showing affection. In the same vein, self-endearment defines itself as the same, just aimed specifically at the individual. This characteristic manifests itself in a multitude of ways, including positive affirmations, allotting for celebration of achievements, and self-care practices. Some of these efforts require more work than others, but the benefits reach both the self and beyond.
Healthy self-endearment can allow the self to breathe. For example, the practice of positive affirmations involves repeating statements to reinforce self-worth. Simply reciting affirmations such as “I am worth it” gives the chance for the mind to refrain from negative thoughts. While it may not work immediately, acknowledging these statements can work wonders to rework self-talk in the long term. Maintaining this self-love translates to many potential boons, such as strong emotional resilience and boosted confidence.
If you’re like me, reframing that self-talk after years of degradation may seem like a daunting task. Growing up, things like self-deprecating humor were my bread and butter around my peers. Even today, those old habits spring up here and there. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but after a time of reflection, I realized the detrimental effects of those behaviors. I started to believe it myself, and my self-esteem plummeted without me knowing.
I needed a change, and though I still have my struggles, I’ve come to realize something. Self-deprecation can be a form of self-criticism, but it’s important to remember that criticism doesn’t necessarily mean a fatal flaw exists. Our bad moments don’t make us who we are, and it certainly shouldn’t mean that we don’t deserve endearment. We can always do better and learn from mistakes. We just have to allow ourselves to make them, and grow from them.
Self-Criticism
According to the dictionary, self-criticism is defined as a disapproval of oneself based on perceived faults or mistakes. While it doesn’t explicitly state how severe these faults are, we tend to perceive them harshly. Practices of self-criticism can look like anything from a simple acknowledgment of faults to full-on negative self-talk. Because of this variety, a balance must be struck for self-criticism to be useful.
Excessive self-criticism gives way to potentially dangerous practices. For instance, consider what it might do to self-esteem. If we’re overly critical of ourselves, our confidence will weather down. Without confidence in our abilities, doubt creeps in and our self-esteem suffers. This negative self-talk can spiral into a vicious cycle of doubt and anxiety. Hence, balancing criticism with endearment can prevent this cycle from forming.
As you saw with my example earlier, I’ve been on both sides of healthy and unhealthy criticism. I’ve found self-criticism can be a good self-check in moderation, and I often use it as a form of reminder and critique. I may joke on the surface, but I simultaneously recognize the error and correct it if necessary. Again, we can’t control when we mess up sometimes. However, having that room for both endearment and criticism goes a long way in self-betterment.
Finding a Balance
Both self-endearment and self-criticism overlap more than you’d think. These two concepts have the ability to be catalysts for change. Having one or the other can sway the mind’s perspective of the self and cause us to behave accordingly. If there’s only endearment, it could lead to an inflated ego. If there’s only criticism, it could demoralize our entire being.
It can be challenging to find the right amount of both. I admit, I still struggle with finding and maintaining the balance between the endearment and criticism. However, I feel I’ve found some good ways that help get to that sweet spot. It helps keep me honest while not discounting my self-worth completely. While these may not work for everyone, I hope they facilitate creating that balance within.
Take ownership. No one likes to be wrong or to mess up. But in the scenario you’ve done something wrong, I’ve found it best to first recognize that. Owning up to it is a crucial stepping stone, as that’s where the push for change starts.
Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What does that inner voice sound like to you? Too egotistical? Overly-critical? What tone are you taking with yourself? Whether it’s too far in either direction or somewhere in the middle, taking note of these patterns can be a good step toward finding balance.
Ask, don’t state. If you find yourself being too self-critical, I find this useful to do when the negative self-talk creeps in. Rather than berating yourself, take a more constructive approach. Ask specific questions to yourself, such as “What can I learn from this?” This will quantify both your mistake and your plan moving forward.
Envision your balanced self. After asking yourself constructive questions, the real work begins. Balancing between endearment and criticism can be challenging, but having a goal in mind on what your balanced self may look like can ease that.
Self-Reflection. Seems simple enough, right? In the struggle between love and critique, this tends to go by the wayside. It can be difficult and even uncomfortable early on. But just taking a moment to pause and take inventory on where you’re at can take you a long way. Checking in with yourself holds you accountable for your mistakes and your plan for change.
Beyond the Self
Once you’ve struck a balance, these concepts can reach beyond the self. As mentioned earlier, they have great capacity to inspire change. Having the two sways our self-image, and causes us to behave accordingly. Balancing endearment and criticism influences our behaviors both within and outside, which can lead to great outcomes.
Finding that healthy self-endearment sets a precedence in our lives. Once we learn how to be kind to ourselves, we can often transfer those same habits to our relationships. To borrow another adage, we want to treat others like we want to be treated. Having that strong self-love can set the stage for potentially sharing the same compassion with those around us. It sets a personal foundation for us to build a life on.
Of course, we shouldn’t be overly endearing. Much like for the self, there must be a healthy balance with criticism for others. When we’re able to analyze ourselves through a constructive lens, we can use those same skills for those around us. Being able to not only recognize flaws but respond rationally to them demonstrates a level of emotional maturity. One that may not be possible without finding that balance.
A Balanced Self
In such a fast-paced world, a balanced self at times may feel hard to come by. Even today, I am still struggling to find and maintain the balance between healthy self-criticism and endearment. Nevertheless, being able to identify and love both the good and bad in yourself is crucial in everyday life. Maintaining balance between the two solidifies the self into a strong individual. Once you have that, your potential skyrockets.
As the Valentine’s Day season passes, I implore you to set aside some love for yourself. Sharing that with loved ones is important, but self-love plays an equally important role. It allows the self to hold great capacity for good, especially in tangent with healthy self-criticism. The balance doesn’t have to be permanent, but working towards it and maintaining it can tip the scales in your favor.
About the Author
Brendan is a recent graduate at UNLV with a degree in Journalism. With his concentration in digital/social media, he hopes to become a social media manager and content creator one day. He also hopes to grow not only personally, but also grow LYF's message! Some of his passions include cosplay, video games, anime, and writing.
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